Fast Times In Krieger's Lab
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger remembers some parties he held in the past. Parties some people wish they could forget.


**Krieger once again took off with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Here's some fun and frolics from my tiny little mind.**

 **Fast Times In Krieger's Lab **

"Hey Krieger," Ray walked into an office full of video equipment. "Here's that toilet paper you wanted." He handed him a package.

"Thanks Ray," Krieger took it.

"You really should stock your own bathroom with toilet paper," Ray told him.

"Right!" Krieger realized. "I can use it for that too! Thanks Ray!"

"I don't even want to know," Ray sighed. "But I am interested in **this**. What's with all the video equipment?"

"Just doing some editing for my podcast," Krieger told him. "Krieger's Korner is really taking off now."

"People are _watching_ this?" Ray asked.

"Well they have to watch **something** until the new TV season pops in," Krieger told him. "My biggest audience is Kriegtopia. Krieger's Korner is the Number Two show there."

"That's how a lot of people describe the show," Ray said. "Wait what's the Number One show?"

"Dancing with the Stars is a global phenomenon," Krieger shrugged.

"Yeah kind of hard to fight that juggernaut with what we have," Ray admitted.

"I've decided to make a few episodes based on stuff I **already** have," Krieger said. "I mean I have tons of videos I've made over the years. Why waste it?"

"Good point," Ray said. "How many episodes have you made with the footage?"

"Well I've only been at this for an hour…" Krieger admitted. "Thirteen."

"That's not bad for an hour," Ray admitted.

"And I've already uploaded them," Krieger said. "And they are a hit already."

"Like what?" Ray asked.

"Like this one," Krieger pointed. "I call this episode Why You Shouldn't Drink Out of Unmarked Beakers."

"Oh God!" Ray winced at the images. "Is that the party where that assistant died after accidentally drinking acid?"

"Yup," Krieger nodded as the horrified screams of a dying man were heard. "I want my show to be educational as well as entertaining."

"Mission accomplished," Ray winced. "Do you have any episodes that aren't as violent?"

"Oh sure," Krieger waved. "Like this one. Remember when Archer wanted a jetpack?"

"Oh yes…" Ray snickered.

 _On screen there was an image of Archer in a white test suit with a helmet and jet pack on. He was also drinking a bottle of scotch in a park._

" _WHOOO!" He threw down the bottle so it broke on the ground. "I'M JET PACKING BABY! CALL ME GEORGE FREAKING JETSON! WHOOO!"_

" _Okay Archer," Krieger spoke off camera. "Remember that jet pack is very powerful. All you have to do is gently press on the buttons. Don't press…"_

" _WHOOO!" Archer pressed the buttons. He took off almost instantly. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"_

" _Too hard," Krieger sighed._

" _AAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Archer zoomed across the sky in wild directions. "KRIEGER STOP THIS CRAZY THING!"_

" _Archer just stop pressing the button so hard and try to steer!" Krieger called out as Archer zoomed all over the place. "Watch out for that…!"_

 _SLAM!_

" _Tree…" Krieger sighed as an image of Archer stuck in a tree was shown._

" _Little help?" Archer moaned in agony._

" _Remember kids," Krieger's voice was heard. "Don't drink and jet pack. Especially if there are a lot of trees around."_

" _Oww…" Archer groaned before he passed out._

"That was a good one," Ray admitted laughing.

"So is this one," Krieger said.

 _The scene was a party in Krieger's lab. There were balloons and cake which read Happy Birthday Mitsuko. And a group of people were running around playing with actual lightsabers._

" _Lightsaber fight!" A lab assistant laughed as he and another assistant attacked each other._

 _Mitsuko stood at the side looking angry. "Krieger-san you promised!"_

" _Shussh!" Krieger said as he held a lightsaber and stood in front of a piñata. "Just let me use the force on this piñata!"_

"Mitsuko's birthday party disaster?" Ray sighed.

"Yup, yup, yup…" Krieger nodded. "Ironically no lab assistants died that day."

 _Two male agents were fighting with lightsabers until one of them accidentally chopped off the other's arm. "Hey!" The agent with the chopped off arm screamed._

" _Oops," The other one said. "My bad."_

" _Why you…" The agent short one arm picked up the lightsaber with his remaining one and drove it through the first one. The first one retaliated by stabbing the one-armed agent before they both died._

"Just a couple of agents," Krieger added. "Boy was Ms. Archer pissed."

"And Pam," Ray added. "She's the one who had to do all the paperwork."

"And that's why lightsabers are banned in this office," Krieger sighed.

"Thank God Archer was on a mission that day," Ray groaned. "I think if he got his hands on a lightsaber half the office wouldn't even be alive."

"Here's another video I put up," Krieger showed Ray. "I call it, Ties and Bunsen Burners Don't Mix."

 _The scene was a lab assistant working with a Bunsen burner. But he got careless and his tie caught on fire. "AAAAAHHHHH!" He ran off screaming in agony._

"These episodes are short," Krieger said. "But they're interesting and educational."

"They're _something_ all right," Ray groaned.

"Here's another thing," Krieger put on another one.

 _Another party in the lab was shown. Krieger was at the head of a conga line of lab assistants and office workers. "One two three…La conga!" Krieger danced. "One two three…La conga!"_

 _The assistants and office workers danced behind Krieger. At the end of the line was a velociraptor in a black turtleneck. The office worker in front of him realized that a dinosaur was behind him and screamed in fright. He ran away screaming. The velociraptor roared and then grabbed a bottle of scotch and drank it._

"What's the lesson you take from **that?** " Ray asked.

Krieger blinked. "Always be aware of your surroundings. Especially in a conga line."

Ray paused. "That is a good lesson."

Krieger turned on another video. This time it was just him and Mitsuko singing and dancing to some Japanese pop music. "What's the lesson about **this one**?" Ray asked.

"Okay I admit that one was just of me and Mitsuko goofing around," Krieger shrugged. "What can I say? I thought I looked pretty cool."

"You thought wrong," Ray quipped.

"Here's another party we had when you guys were on some mission somewhere," Krieger put in another tape.

 _In the lab was set up a mini jousting arena. Everyone was watching the spectacle. Wearing tin foil and cardboard paper armor were two men with brooms as lances riding on broomstick horses. "Let the jousting begin!" Krieger was calling out._

" _Behold! I shall smite thee!" Cyril shouted from one of the fake horses. The crowd around them cheered._

"You know…" Krieger remarked. "Even though we didn't do much groundbreaking research back in the day, we sure knew how to throw a bitchin' party!"

"How did you get Cyril to do this?" Ray asked.

"Easy," Krieger shrugged. "He was drunk."

"That explains it," Ray nodded.

 _Cyril and the other jouster charged at each other. And completely missed. Cyril fell flat on his face._

" _Down goes Sir Soused A Lot!" Pam's voice was heard laughing._

" _Cyril down…" Cyril moaned._

 _The other jouster kept right on going. Right into a broken service elevator. "AAAAAHHHH!" The jouster screamed._

" _Remember folks," Krieger's voice was heard. "Always look before getting into an elevator. Or else you'll fall to your death!"_

"Boy did we lose a **lot** of people at these parties," Krieger remarked. "Well at least they were memorable."

"For the **wrong reasons** ," Ray groaned.


End file.
